


Picking Up the Pieces

by kribban



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Birth Control, Gen, Hangover, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:01:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21804124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kribban/pseuds/kribban
Summary: After the annual Christmas party, Bones treats the consequences of the crew's bad decisions. Yes, this is an explicit gen-fic. ;-)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24
Collections: Star Trek Ships Advent Calender 2019





	Picking Up the Pieces

The annual Christmas-party was popular with everyone onboard:

Humans who celebrated Christmas. Secular humans who enjoyed the food and traditions that went along with it. Non-human crew members who were curious about the _exotic_ Earth-foods (like Spock, though he tried to deny it,) and last but not least; people who loved to dance and get shit-faced. 

It was one of the few social functions where officers and enlisted crew could fraternize (at least in a way that wasn't illegal) and it always lifted everyone's spirits.

Everyone loved the Christmas-party, except for Leonard McCoy.

He knew what was coming, and that's why he stopped by to say hello to Jim, had a single drink, and then went back to his quarters to rest up for what was to come.

The first patient was admitted at six-thirty the next morning.

Crewman Niclas had most likely not even gone to bed, and Leonard could guess why. His hair was wet and he reeked of alcohol. 

”You gotta help me, Doc, I can't sober up. Room keeps spinning and I tried throwing up. Took three cold showers but I'm still drunk. I just want to be sober again. I've tried everything!”

”Have you tried sleeping?” Leonard asked while checking the readout from his tricorder. A blood alcohol level of 0.14 percent wasn't lethal, but well above the recommended level. ”Nothing will cure you but time, I'm afraid. I'm going to give you a light sedative, some electrolytes, and then....” 

He prepped his hypo and injected the crewman with the electrolytes first, then slid in the cartridge with the slow-acting sedative and pressed the hypo against his patient's neck once more. ”You're going to sleep it off.”

He gestured to Nurse Reeves that he was done with the patient and she led Crewman Niclas off to one of the beds and closed the curtain on him. 

”Next!”

Yeoman Rand was only lightly tipsy. She smelled of aftershave, not alcohol, and her elaborate hairdo had come undone. She looked perfectly healthy if a bit tired. In fact, she had a rather pleased look on her face.

”What can I do for you, Yeoman?”

She glanced around as if to check if anyone else was in earshot and then she leaned forward. ”I'm in need of emergency contraception, Doctor McCoy.”

That was pretty standard, after an event like this. Leonard ran a hand over his face and brought up her patient file on his PADD. ”Your last contraceptive shot was ten months ago. The effect only lasts for six months. You should have gotten a top-up.”

Rand just shrugged. ”Long dry spell, Doctor.”

”Don't I know it,” Leonard sighed and started calculating the dose. Apparently, the Christmas party had been the end of her dry spell. Lucky gal. ”I take it you had intercourse less than twenty-four hours ago?”

”Five hours,” Rand admitted with a sheepish expression. ”And four. Two.” Her nose wrinkled and she looked apologetic. ”And... thirty minutes ago?” 

Leonard could feel himself blushing and he turned away to cover it. He prepared the dose and injected it into her long neck. ”Don't worry about it. This will prevent conception from occurring. Possible side effects include dizziness and nausea, but they should pass over the next few hours. Emergency contraception is not recommended for long-term use, so make an appointment with my office next week.”

”I will, Doctor, thank you.”

He pulled out the drawer and grabbed a handful of condoms that he gave her. ”In the meantime, these have no documented side-effects.” 

Lieutenant 0718 _did_ have alcohol poisoning, which surprised Leonard, because there were no reported cases of cybernetic persons being susceptible to ethanol. 

Apparently, there had been some sort of experiment going on, with the poor Lieutenant as the guinea pig.

Leonard administered an IV (which the Lieutenant noted was a fascinating experience) and made a note to himself to file a report to Spock after his shift had ended. Someone needed to be punished, and he was confident that Spock would handle it. Discipline was one of the Vulcan's strong suits. 

The rest of his morning went on like that. Members of the crew came in with various ailments caused by the previous night's party, almost all of them alcohol-related. He re-set a nose and treated a set of bruised knuckles as well as he could, while the two patients tearfully apologized to each other over and over. 

It was all getting a bit much, and Leonard was grateful that celebration of the Gregorian Calender's New Year had largely fallen out of style. Once today was over, things would hopefully be quiet for a long time. 

”Doctor, there's a patient to see you,” Nurse Reeves clear voice rang out and she pointed to the curtain at the farthest end of the room. 

Lieutenant 0718's liver values had returned to normal at an almost supernatural pace and he had been discharged. It was almost noon, nine hours since the party had ended.

Leonard walked up to the bed and pulled the curtain away. ”You're Russian, don't tell me you can't handle your liquor.”

Lieutenant Chekov shook his head silently. He didn't look drunk, he was standing next to the bed instead of sitting on it, and there was a flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. 

”Spit it out, Lieutenant, I haven't got all day.”

”I'm sorry, Doctor, I debated coming, but... My gentleman friend came to see me last night, and...” Chekov shifted his weight from one foot to the other. ”Could you just check? Please?”

Leonard let out a sigh and pumped up the bed with his foot until it was chest high. ”Pants and underwear down. Rest your elbows on the bed.” He found a pair of gloves and pulled them on with a snap. ”Has your friend had all of his shots?” 

He had tried to educate the crew on doctor-patient confidentiality, but they were a tight-lipped bunch, always worried about disciplinary action. Leonard had tried telling them that he was a doctor, not a police officer and that he'd only file a report in case a patient had been victimized as poor Lieutenant 0718 had been. 

”Oh yes, Doctor, that is not what I'm worried about,” Lieutenant Chekov replied and quickly arranged himself as instructed. 

”Good, let's check what you _are_ worried about,” Leonard muttered and went about performing a manual exam. He far preferred it over a scan. Touching the patient would tell him things a tricorder couldn't, and he trusted his own senses over a computer any day of the week. 

”You're supposed to use lubricant. Liberally,” he spat out, hopefully sounding menacing but probably just sounding tired. 

Lieutenant Chekov turned his head to look at him, his eyebrows knit together in obvious discomfort. ”I know, Doctor, but it was a spur of the moment decision, you see?”

”Everyone on this ship seems to make spur-of-the-moment-decisions, Lieutenant.” Leonard pulled his fingers out as carefully as he could. ”Don't worry about the spotting. You don't have any tears. There's some light swelling and bruising, for which I'm going to give you an analgesic.” 

He discarded his gloves and prepped his hypo for what seemed to be the hundredth time today. ”You should abstain from intercourse one week in order to give your body time to heal. Have I made myself clear?” 

Lieutenant Chekov stood and pulled his pants up. He accepted the injection without complaint and the relief spread on his face after only a few seconds. Now that he wasn't in pain any longer, he was already back to being his cheerful self. 

”My friend is... just friend. With benefits,” he continued brightly and Leonard wondered how fast he could extricate himself from this conversation. Unfortunately, the young Lieutenant continued blabbering.

”Listen, Doctor, you and I, we are both officers, yes?” Chekov wrung his hands together. ”So it would not be illegal if you wanted to... To do a better job yourself?”

Leonard's jaw dropped and he blinked a few times. ”Uhh....” 

God, he hated the Christmas party and everything that came of it.

Before Chekov could continue down this horrible path, Leonard grabbed an unopened bottle of surgical lubricant and some condoms for good measure. He shoved the contents into a small box and held it out. 

”You're dismissed, Lieutenant.”

”That is not a no!” Chekov said brightly and took the box from him, grinning from ear to ear. He grabbed Leonard's hand and shook it frantically. ”I will see you around, Doctor!” And with that, he skipped out of Leonard's sight and out of Sickbay. 

After a minute, Nurse Reeves peeked in through the curtain. ”There are no more patients at the moment. Shall we have lunch, Doctor?” 

”Yes, please,” Leonard said with relief. ”It's been a long morning.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third fic I've written where Bones gives Chekov a rectal exam. I may have a bit of a kink for that.
> 
> I'm immensely amused by - and fond of - the idea of Bones as a _doctor_ , silently resigned to treating the crew's (and his friends') embarrassing injuries, no matter how intimate. If you know any other fics about that, send 'em my way!
> 
> Also, this is officially the last fic I post to AO3 while in my thirties. Dec 17th 2019, I will become a 40-year old fangirl. \o/


End file.
